Having Enough

Transitions are always challenging – even if they are “wanted” transitions.

Survival instincts raise their head when fear about “having enough” are triggered. Regardless of my husband’s support, I was still triggered by the need to “fend for myself” and my daughter, on the financial front.

This was not founded in any present-day reality. It was a vestige from the past that I had not rid myself of.

Such was my state when a dear colleague and friend accompanied me to a seminar in Sedona.

As a therapist it is necessary to “un-layer” yourself in order to identify what is “your stuff” from what is your “client’s stuff.”

It serves as a protective mechanism for both of you, as “triggers” can be put in their place.

We were hiking the vortexes of Sedona and tasked to find our “power animal.”

I was frustrated with my progress and felt a bit insolent and adolescent. I gave my friend a side glance and eye roll at the “power animal” thing and said , “I’ll believe in this if I can find water in the desert.”

We were tasked to head into the desert alone for a few hours.

I proceeded on my way and kicked red dirt as I hiked. “How many times do I have to learn the same lessons over and over before it becomes real?”

The “survival/not enough” trigger was a long-standing and deeply engrained part of my psyche and here I was exploring it AGAIN!

I allowed my anger to grow.

I sunk into feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.

I shivered in the heat of the sun and felt hungry and desperate.

I curled myself in a ball and fell into a state of sleep-wake.

The earth began to tremble, and red dust rose from the earth.

Thundering hooves were all around me and I covered my head with my arms and dug deeper into a crevice in a rock.

When all was quiet again, I felt my back grow and lift me from the crevice I took refuge in.

My huge haunches began pawing the earth and I was snorting like a buffalo.

I felt strong, grounded, and immovable.

As I continued to paw, a trickle of water emerged, and a puddle grew.

I looked a few yards ahead and saw a larger puddle reflecting the sky above.

I began laughing and dancing and rejoicing in the water. I put as much of me in the water as I could and painted myself with red mud.

I lay in the sun for a long time while the mud baked itself onto my body.

I felt nourished, warm, and loved by the earth engulfing me.

When it was time to gather, I could see my friend smiling from a long distance away. As we neared, I heard her say – “you found water in the desert!!”

“You always manifest what you need.”

She continues to remind me that I found water in the desert to this day. It is her way of helping me know I will always have enough.