Prisms

I have left my prisms hanging in the window after much consideration.

They were gifted from a narcissist who saw himself as Master of the Land; Omniscient as Oz, and Powerful as Moses. HE is the great philosopher and intellectual; quoting the likes of Depak Chopra and making statements about how birds don’t think about flying – they just fly….”

In his prism he is the “Maker of Rainbows.”

My first encounter with the rainbow maker and his wife occurred over the phone.

To say I was disturbed would be an understatement.

I listened as I was talked at for hours, hearing RM and his wife argue points back and forth until they finally hung up on me because they could not come to consensus on any issue.

I wasn’t sure what to do. My internal voice was in turmoil. Am I dismissed? Should I shower and go to work now? Is this really happening? Have I sold my soul to the devil?

Who are these people?????

My experience with RM in the coming years was reflective of this single event.

Never before, and hopefully never again, had I experienced the destruction of paranoia, weight of oppression, pain of anxiety, or wrath of anger I experienced in their presence.

I spent years trying to make them feel safe to later realize it wasn’t possible. Having spent my full career “creating a safe space” for my clients I had never encountered anyone who could not achieve this state. Paranoia and deep woundedness prevailed.

There was a split second of time when RM took a deep breath and quietly stated “he trusted me.” Afterward, I was reminded of the moment Indiana Jones took the Goblet of Fire off its pedestal and the walls immediately began to collapse around him. It was almost as if RM could not trust and therefore there was a need to destruct the floor underneath me.

The walls came crashing down and the end was inevitable and painful.

“Managing” a house full of administrators, faculty members, service providers, and students created a very unique point of reference for me. I was privy to countless viewpoints about single events or issues.

I was amazed at how many people could experience the same event or issue and no two people experienced It the same.

I became acutely aware of how I was viewed, based on the lens looking toward me. People thought they knew who I was and it often didn’t match who I think I am.

Perceptions, misconceptions, varying degrees of success with communication, personality, life experience, trust, need for survival, all weigh in on individual opinions and perceptions.

I learned that inside each of us lives the narcissist and the selfless healer, the paranoid co-dependent and the confident leader. We are as naïve and innocent as the girl/woman Wendy and as brave and temperamental as the boy/man Pan.

We reflect our light and dark in every color of the rainbow and every shade of gray as we journey through life’s stages. We reflect our self-made limitations, circumstances, and environments we are exposed to. We are filtered by the choices we make and the opinions we foster.

We are our own prism and are perceived through others’ prisms.

I have left my prisms hanging because I know that what I experienced was seen through my prism just as they saw me through theirs.

From the RM’s prism hanging above my front door, I see a rainbow hitting a remote corner of my kitchen cabinet. “Light can be cast even in the darkest corners and most recessed passages.”

My prism taught me that.